So... yesterday, Tristan and Shae and I had a very interesting conversation. It was at that point that I realized some things needed to change. At this moment, I'm cutting extremities that I just don't utilize, that I don't enjoy, that aren't for a purpose. Like my piano lessons. They're more of a psycho analysis every week as Scott and I discuss the bible, meanings, hebrew, knowledges of languages, maths, we discuss pasts and futures, we talk about how useful something is, whether a book is really worth it. For half an hour each week. And I've been doing this since 8th grade. I started out with Violin, then switched to Piano when it wasn't for me, and now I'm seeing I'm not musically inclined. I don't have the ear for it at all, and it will simply never be me, so I'm saying farewell to it. Though I hope not to Scott, as... he was my sanity for a few years when I was without one.

There were other things brought up in Dave's sermon yesterday. And I decided that if I don't get into my bible, then I'm never going to get my questions asked. So, instead of following Pastor Jim's plan, I'll be going through the things I need grounding on--specifically the old testament. I'll follow Genisis with my bible study, and go back to Ecclesiasties. I started it, and it hit correctly in too many places for me to stand it. Now that I'm fixing the things it made me think of, I'd like to revisit it and go through it on my own. We'll see where I go from there.

If you all don't know by now, I love baking. Many don't. But... my ultimate dream is quite simple really, and while I've continually gotten the "wait" response from God, I'm going to work towards this one because the picture in my head... I'm so happy. I own a little bakery, focusing mainly on cookies, cupcakes, and an invention of mine (rain drops). It's open as much as possible, possibly 24 hour. I have free wi-fi. I spend my time baking and selling it, keeping my finances, and writing. Everything else? Who knows. Married? Kids? Where? How? I don't care. City, country, even an evil suburb. I'd take it. Some of you may gasp at me interacting with customers... but... I would love to do it. I'd love to have books decorating the walls, bible verses near and dear to my heart scattered every where on the walls. No more Calculus, no more English, no more Biology, no more French. As my ever wise Music teacher has said:

"If you want the regular (ordinary), you do the regular thing. You go to college. You get your degree(s). You get married into an unhappy marriage. You get into a job you don't enjoy. Or... You do the irregular thing, and you get the irregular thing. Don't get caught in the trap. Be the writer/baker/(hopefully)pianist. Risk."

What's the point of a life being secure? What purpose does it serve? While I would love to have a family, is that what God wants? Will it get me somewhere I'm truly happy? Will the bakery even get me somewhere I'm truly happy? I don't know. Guess I should just try and find out.

I want to find a bakery to get a job at this upcoming summer. Because I am going to finish IB-- I have to, I must. I want to... go to school part-time. 9 units a semseter. Get an AA degree, maybe a 4 year if I want to. But slowly. I'll do it, if I need to, if I want to.

I can't not. Life is going to be different. I swear it, on everything I am. I cannot do this anymore. I refuse to be normal, to be ordinary, to be regular. I'd... not live through it. I've never had change. But there's always a time to break a fear, right? No matter how irrational, right?

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On one other quick note-- the pictures from the Celtic Festival were developed. I have to wait for them to be sent back to me. Hopefully I'll get them by Sunday and show everyone. Then I'll scan them in and post the good ones!